This post has been looming in my mind for months and months. My thoughts tell me to write about it, then the next thought says don't. Maybe today is the day because Kev has worked away for a few days and it has been at the forefront of my mind, or maybe it is because I didn't leave Libby in the happiest place when she walked away from me at preschool, I don't know...today's the day.
Here goes.
Motherhood is isolating.
I am never alone, but sometimes I feel so alone.
I talk to three little people all day, but sometimes I feel like I haven't talk to anyone all day. (Watch out if you're the first adult I come in contact with, I will talk your ear off. Sorry Mr. Postman).
I have amazing friends, some that have been around for years. I call them when the postman is too busy to chat. However, here, in this place we live now, I don't have a friend.
I would say that my efforts here to make friends have been, so-so. Okay, I really haven't been good at reaching out to others. I have tried a little, but if they aren't all "Anne Shirley and Diana Barry" in the first five minutes I pull back because I am so afraid of the awkwardness. I am afraid that potential new friends will find out that sometimes I yell at my darling children, or that I never put them to bed on time, or sometimes I ignore them because the internet is more interesting than them. Truth. Ouch, that was honest. I don't like it, but it's true for me sometimes.
Even worse, I'm afraid that if I put myself out there, I'm going to be rejected. For as long as I can remember I have wanted others approval (is this just me?). It's intimidating. Libby Jones amazes me. When we go to parks she walks up to anyone she thinks looks interesting and says "Hi I'm Libby, do you wanna play with me?" Most of the time the kid will say yes, but on occasionally I have seen kids turn their noses up at her and walk away. Libby is never even fazed by it, she prances on to the next kids unmoved by the rejection. I would crumble. I hate rejection.
So that's that.
When we moved here, it was because we wanted a more balanced family life. Our first few months I focused on that a lot. I arranged evening meals at that beach and Kev found us adventures on the weekend. The next few months we adjusted to life as a family of five. Now we are here. I'm ready to find some friends. Time to plant some seeds here (which is funny because we have been researching how to grow an urban garden in our tiny little space). I don't how it will happen. We barely have time for each other while managing our crazy life, but I know that somewhere out there are some kindred spirits just waiting to be found.
This one thing I know. I have felt lonely before, I think it's part of life. I have felt unsure about how things will turn out, but years later I love to look back and marvel at how God was orchestrating my life. In this case, I can remember times when I really needed a good friend and he brought just the right gals into my life. I'm confident he'll do it again, at just the right time. I know that one day I'll look back at this time as precious. I'll be able to see how he used this time without, as a time to nurture my young family, and also to remind me that He has always been my friend. Always.
Never failing.
Never awkward.
Kindred spirit to my heart.
Grace and peace.
xxx
