Monday, July 29, 2013

Deep In The Caverns

Tonight I am fixated on the ever present, ever growing caverns that have formed on my heart.  I felt them start to form the minute I met a certain man.  His cavern runs deep and is filled with every good thing that has happened to me in the last 11 years.

The one in particular  that is bearing deeper tonight is the Libby shaped cavern.  It isn't empty, it is filled with magical fairy dust, pink flowers picked by her hand, balloons stuck in trees, favorite bedtime stories, running full speed down the beach with her arms open, imaginary friends, and a spirit so free that even you would walk on your tip toes and spin to the songs in your head if you knew her the way that I do.

 There are other caverns too.  One is shaped like Maggie.  It is almost a secret, more like a maze.  In it is a gentle whisper that it is her hand always touching me, the tightly wound tendrils of her strawberry blond hair, her big blue eyes that need me to see her, and though there are fears that I can feel  are very real to her, I know there is a hidden  strength, that when she finds, will be fierce.  There are baby dolls wrapped carefully in blankets, stacks of picture books worn down to threads, and the deepest sympathy for a broken toy.

Slowly but surely there is a new cavern forming, I can only imagine that it will be filled with a smudged face, creepy crawly friends and all other sorts of little boy things. Right now it is just filled with thankfulness, for every time I feel him twist and turn the cavern grows larger.
All of these things are  so precious to me that I can't even find the words to explain them to you.  The prospect of letting go of one of them, just a little, brings me to tears.  I asked Babette the other day, why it was so hard for me...I don't know if she gave me an answer.  I just know that it is.
I love them, so strongly, so beautifully, that it hurts in ways I can't describe.  Their caverns run deep and will forever be present on my heart.

That is all.
All this mumbo jumbo came from the fact that I signed my Little up for preschool today, and I thought for certain my heart was breaking...Preschool folks.  Who knew it could do this to a girl?
Grace and Peace

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

It's Time For Me To Write This Post

I wrote this post a week ago.  Neverless, read it if you have nothing better to do.  Or just skip to the end and look at the pictures to avoid my inevitable grammatical errors. 
When I was expecting Maggie, Kevin was out of town a lot of my third trimester.  I distinctly remember thinking I was never going to make it to the end.  My temper was short and my attitude was bad.
There were low points, a lot of them.  I remembering my teeny tiny two year old Little saying "Mommy don't cry."  I can also hear my darling sister telling me "pregnancy is not an excuse for behaving poorly."  Her words have rang like a clinging bell in my head since I read the words "pregnant" on that little white stick back in January.  I thought this it Carly, God is giving you one more chance to maintain poise and grace while carrying around excess weight and all the other delightful effects of pregnancy.
I think I was getting a little cocky about it.  I kept thinking, I've got it this time.  I can still be a fun mom and a loving wife and play with my kids and make them dinner and move houses and keep the new house clean, all while maintaining a perfect attitude, completely unaffected by the dregs of pregnancy.
Then I reached my third trimester.  This happened about a week ago, while we were on a weekend getaway...(the day that I mentioned when I could barely muster a dirty look at Kev happened on this trip).  Yesterday my blood boiled because the playroom wasn't as tidy as I liked  and today my blood has been boiling because the dog keeps going to the bathroom in the house,Maggie drew on a pillow with permanent marker and Libby made a slide out of her mattress after I told her that today wasn't the day for mattress slide making.  The funny thing is, in my crazy brain right now, even though my husband is at work earning diligently to provide for our family, if I let myself, I could probably find a reason why all of those things are his fault and not just the result of a bad day.
Yet still, Amy White's words ring true, "pregnancy is not an excuse for behaving badly."
So I go on.  It's true I turned on the TV today and plopped the children in front of it and gave myself a time out.  Then I thought, I would get it off my chest, write it down here to hold myself accountable and throw in some pictures of my darlings to remind myself how beautiful they are to me.
Confession has been made...blood boiling level is coming down, the girls are ignoring the TV and playing a silly game together and it is almost nap time.
I will not behave poorly just bc I am with child.


Pictures are better than words
Rodanthe, NC

Kev's Work Party
Just FYI probably the one of the greatest days of my children's life.  They got push-up pops, glitter tattoos, and there were pony rides.  Amen.

 Did I mention there were bounce houses also?

 Like I said their best day ever.  Cheers.

Random Chix Beach photos and or pictures of what salt water does to Maggie's hair.
Maggie has taken to shouting "Neva"(never) when she doesn't want to do something.  It is very dramatic, I didn't know she had it in her.
Walking to our beach.
Libby and her goggles, aka "spiers."  I actually thought she would never take them off.

Maggie's hair is one of my favorite things.  I am never cutting it. Ever.

Holy big belly batman.  I still have ten weeks left.  I'm okay with this, but if you say anything other than encouraging about it I'm taking you off my Christmas card list.  
Empty threats. 
 No really.
I live here and I like it, but when I go anywhere else in this city I get nervous and I want to go back home.
The beach make this girl run, and twirl, and always by accident  gets just a little bit wet. (I hear she comes by this naturally).

That is all that technology will let me do right now.  Hopefully, that will suffice until I can get the rest of the pictures off of my phone.

Grace and Peace