Deep In The Caverns

Tonight I am fixated on the ever present, ever growing caverns that have formed on my heart.  I felt them start to form the minute I met a certain man.  His cavern runs deep and is filled with every good thing that has happened to me in the last 11 years.

 

The one in particular  that is bearing deeper tonight is the Libby shaped cavern.  It isn't empty, it is filled with magical fairy dust, pink flowers picked by her hand, balloons stuck in trees, favorite bedtime stories, running full speed down the beach with her arms open, imaginary friends, and a spirit so free that even you would walk on your tip toes and spin to the songs in your head if you knew her the way that I do.

 There are other caverns too.  One is shaped like Maggie.  It is almost a secret, more like a maze.  In it is a gentle whisper that it is her hand always touching me, the tightly wound tendrils of her strawberry blond hair, her big blue eyes that need me to see her, and though there are fears that I can feel  are very real to her, I know there is a hidden  strength, that when she finds, will be fierce.  There are baby dolls wrapped carefully in blankets, stacks of picture books worn down to threads, and the deepest sympathy for a broken toy.

Slowly but surely there is a new cavern forming, I can only imagine that it will be filled with a smudged face, creepy crawly friends and all other sorts of little boy things. Right now it is just filled with thankfulness, for every time I feel him twist and turn the cavern grows larger.

All of these things are  so precious to me that I can't even find the words to explain them to you.  The prospect of letting go of one of them, just a little, brings me to tears.  I asked Babette the other day, why it was so hard for me...I don't know if she gave me an answer.  I just know that it is.

I love them, so strongly, so beautifully, that it hurts in ways I can't describe.  Their caverns run deep and will forever be present on my heart.

That is all.
All this mumbo jumbo came from the fact that I signed my Little up for preschool today, and I thought for certain my heart was breaking...Preschool folks.  Who knew it could do this to a girl?
Grace and Peace
xoxo
 

It's Time For Me To Write This Post

I wrote this post a week ago.  Neverless, read it if you have nothing better to do.  Or just skip to the end and look at the pictures to avoid my inevitable grammatical errors. 
When I was expecting Maggie, Kevin was out of town a lot of my third trimester.  I distinctly remember thinking I was never going to make it to the end.  My temper was short and my attitude was bad.
Every.
Day.
There were low points, a lot of them.  I remembering my teeny tiny two year old Little saying "Mommy don't cry."  I can also hear my darling sister telling me "pregnancy is not an excuse for behaving poorly."  Her words have rang like a clinging bell in my head since I read the words "pregnant" on that little white stick back in January.  I thought this it Carly, God is giving you one more chance to maintain poise and grace while carrying around excess weight and all the other delightful effects of pregnancy.
I think I was getting a little cocky about it.  I kept thinking, I've got it this time.  I can still be a fun mom and a loving wife and play with my kids and make them dinner and move houses and keep the new house clean, all while maintaining a perfect attitude, completely unaffected by the dregs of pregnancy.
Then I reached my third trimester.  This happened about a week ago, while we were on a weekend getaway...(the day that I mentioned when I could barely muster a dirty look at Kev happened on this trip).  Yesterday my blood boiled because the playroom wasn't as tidy as I liked  and today my blood has been boiling because the dog keeps going to the bathroom in the house,Maggie drew on a pillow with permanent marker and Libby made a slide out of her mattress after I told her that today wasn't the day for mattress slide making.  The funny thing is, in my crazy brain right now, even though my husband is at work earning diligently to provide for our family, if I let myself, I could probably find a reason why all of those things are his fault and not just the result of a bad day.
Yet still, Amy White's words ring true, "pregnancy is not an excuse for behaving badly."
So I go on.  It's true I turned on the TV today and plopped the children in front of it and gave myself a time out.  Then I thought, I would get it off my chest, write it down here to hold myself accountable and throw in some pictures of my darlings to remind myself how beautiful they are to me.
Confession has been made...blood boiling level is coming down, the girls are ignoring the TV and playing a silly game together and it is almost nap time.
I will not behave poorly just bc I am with child.

xoxo

Pictures are better than words
Rodanthe, NC

Kev's Work Party

Just FYI probably the one of the greatest days of my children's life.  They got push-up pops, glitter tattoos, and there were pony rides.  Amen.

 Did I mention there were bounce houses also?

 Like I said their best day ever.  Cheers.

Random Chix Beach photos and or pictures of what salt water does to Maggie's hair.

Maggie has taken to shouting "Neva"(never) when she doesn't want to do something.  It is very dramatic, I didn't know she had it in her.

Walking to our beach.

Libby and her goggles, aka "spiers."  I actually thought she would never take them off.

Maggie's hair is one of my favorite things.  I am never cutting it. Ever.

Holy big belly batman.  I still have ten weeks left.  I'm okay with this, but if you say anything other than encouraging about it I'm taking you off my Christmas card list.  

Empty threats. 

 No really.

I live here and I like it, but when I go anywhere else in this city I get nervous and I want to go back home.

The beach make this girl run, and twirl, and always by accident  gets just a little bit wet. (I hear she comes by this naturally).

That is all that technology will let me do right now.  Hopefully, that will suffice until I can get the rest of the pictures off of my phone.

Grace and Peace

xoxo

Eight Years Later

 There we are, eight years ago, just days before we said "for better or worse."

Here we are just a few weeks ago. 

 Eight years later.  

Still quite the same, but different.  Maybe it is the bags beneath my eyes that are more significant, or maybe it is the lines of wisdom that are forming around his :).  I like to think that it is something more.  The first picture shows us completely blind to what the next 8 years of our life would be like.  We were starry eyed.  I think that we were just happy to be on the same continent, ready to start our life together.  All we knew was that possibility was in our future.  Potential jobs, homes, children, adventures, they were all in front of us.  Our history was just starting.

I know that in terms of a life time eight years isn't a lot, but in this picture below I think our history shows.  My sister once told me that the seventh year of marriage is one of the hardest.  I joked with Kevin on June 10th that we made it through the seven year itch.  You might not see it, but I do.  This picture shows us leaning into each other.  All I know, is that in these eight years, he is the one that I lean on.  On hard days, on good days, on days like Sunday when all we could muster was a dirty look at each other, I still couldn't imagine leaning into anyone else but him.

I love our love story, may it be a story that continues for years and years to come.  And should I ever get a chance to compare pictures from 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 years or more, I pray that we are always leaning into each other.

Grace and Peace

xoxo

This One Is Strictly For My Memories

When Libby was truly my Little, I read her "Where the Wild Things Are" almost everyday.  Somehow between learning to love princess things and fairy wings we moved away from it as a daily favorite.  We read  it with Maggie last night, knowing that she would love it, which she did.  This morning, while we were tidying her room together, Libby picked it up and flipped through the pages that only have pictures right after Max says "let the wild rumpus start", in which I normally insert the words "and rumpus, and rumpus, and rumpus" thanks to my bff Laura.  From there, she turned every page while I quoted it from my memory, as I mentioned, I used to read it everyday so it is one that I know by heart.
When we got to the end, she closed it in a bit of a huff, and said "Mommy, I don't like this book, we should give it away."
I answered "Oh Libby, we can't give it away, Cooper will love it."
"Why will he love it," she said.
I said "because he is sure to be a wild thing."
Then she said "what will he say when we read it to him?"
I said "Grrrrrr."
 Then she said "We should make him a suit, you know, a wolf suit."
What a great idea, I love that little girl.  It was one of my most favorite conversations I have ever had with her, it ranks right up there with this one.
This picture is pulling at my mama heart, mostly because she looks ever so grown up in it, but her hand is wrapped around her oldest friend Mo-Mo.  He's always been there with her.
Can't believe I am knocking on the door of my third trimester and preparing to meet another person who will change my life in a painful :) yet beautiful way or, that the magical little person who did it first, is knocking on the door of her fifth birthday.
Amazing.

Thankful for my wild things, all three.

"Oh please don't go, we'll eat you up we love you so" ~ Where the Wild Things Are
Grace and Peace
xoxo

Laying Low and Playing Slow

I have fond memories of the brief period of time when Kev and I moved from Florida to Virginia.  We didn't know anybody and it was just him and me exploring our new stomping ground and finding our feet.
As much as I was resisting moving and leaving everything we were comfortable with, I have really enjoyed the last three weeks here in our new digs.  We don't know anyone so we have no outstanding commitments except to each other which is a little bit refreshing.  We are spending are evenings together, I am cooking dinner almost every night, we are laughing more, and that is the real reason why we made yet another big move.
As for the house...I know pinning over a house was a little bit silly, but I really liked my old house.  We had poured some love into it and I was more attached to it than I thought I was.
This is the front of our new house

I put it on my instagram the other day and one of my friends commented "this house was made for you."  I call it our little blue cottage by the sea.  It is missing things that we had before like a garage, a large yard, and room to park both of our cars, but just a minute from our door we have this.

And most days or nights we take our girls for a walk and I take pictures like this with my phone because I can't get the camera to work.

I would say that we are settling in just fine.  In fact we met a man the other night who told us now that we are here we are never going to leave.  Maybe he is right, maybe it is because summer is easing itself in slowly and being outside is better than being in, but I am loving the easiness that comes with living near the beach.  

Before I end this post, since blogging hasn't been a priority in my life lately I throw these strawberry picking pictures in at no extra charge.  The girls and I drove out to the country our first week here to pick some lovelies.  We lingered there all day and when we came home we made Kevo a strawberry rhubarb crumble...it was tasty.  I actually wish I had more of it right now.

One more thing, I am very aware that the little girl above and below is about to loose her title as my baby.  I've been savoring things about her that still seem so little to me, like the way she talks, and the way she sleeps with her mouth just so.  I know that when her brother arrives, if there were traces of baby left they will all but melt away.  She is my shadow, my little helper.  Even now she is sitting at my feet pretend cooking while I type. I hope that never changes, even when there is a new baby in my arms.  Nearly 2 1/2 years later and I still think she is the sweetest little thing I ever did know.

I think that catches me up, sort of.  Maybe next time I'll stage the little blue cottage and take some pics for you.  Right now there is still no pictures on the walls, and there are toys on the floor.
Even if I stage pictures, there will probably still be toys on the floor and I'm okay with that. :)
I like it here.
Grace and peace
xoxo