Monday, November 22, 2010

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

Today my midwife said something to me along the lines of "our society is driven by fear"...she was referring to birthing babies I suppose.  I was telling her about our birth classes, who are taught by our doula.  She has been  focusing on letting go of our fears, which has been a truly cleansing experience for me.  Our doula, and one of our midwives are clearly believers and put a lot of stock in the fact that God designed woman to birth babies.  This fact alone is calming to me.
There is the fear of the actual birth.  The pain that I could easily avoid, but  choose to endure b/c something inside of me tells urges me to do this with as little intervention as possible.  The fear of the memory of lying in the tub, writhing in pain and rising out of the water with every contraction 2 years ago, only to be told that after hours and hours I was still stuck in transition.
Ugh...fear.  I don't know if I can do it again.
It is close. My sleepless nights, achy back, and desire to "nest" tell me so.  Oh, and there was that random man yesterday who told  me that I look "huge."  Nice.  My sweet friend stood up for me and with a little bit of sass in her voice said, "Um, she looks completely normal."  I just smiled at him and said "well, this is the end. I'm not supposed to be small"...then I walked away and said "he clearly has never sucessfully talked to a woman before."
There is a bigger fear though...the fear, that yes, whether they like it or not,  I am their mother... forever.  I am who they will look to for everything for these formative years, the one who'll they'll want to look away from for those "can I go to the mall by myself" years, and then one they'll  look back to when they grow up for everything from advice to just a random chat...but always their mother.  While others will  influence them and make an impact on their sweet lives, I am the only one that will hold the role of Liberty Rose and Maggie Bell Jones's Mother and I am nearly swept over by that reality.  If I let myself, the fear will sweep over me, I really will drown, most likely in my own tears of failure (which I have had in abundance lately) and I don't think that I can do it...
...But, and this dear ones is a good "but", I have some real truths that calm all of my fears, that will keep me from drowning in the pain of child birth or being bowled over by a life time a leading my girls in grace and truth.
Today I read this..."I prayed to the Lord and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears"
Psalm 34:4
I can not fail.
He already knows the out come.
Though I may lose a battle here and there, He has conquered every fear.
Let go of that fear.
Here's hoping for an intervention free birth and two little girls who twirl around my living room and into life gracefully, despite a epically flawed mother.
Grace and Peace...b/c life would be impossible with out them
Big Love.

PS...December is just weeks away now, and it's true, I'm thinking about bringing back the count down blog...Hopefully!

Monday, November 15, 2010

To Pieces

I've never made a quilt before.  I had no idea how long it would take me, or whether or not I had bitten off more than I could chew.  I just liked the idea of Libby pulling it out of a storage box one day when she's grown up, and remembering her childhood... Maybe I'll be the one that does that, but you know, I wanted it to be something really special.  (The original motivating factor was that I couldn't afford the one I liked at Pottery Barn, and then the whole home made quilt thing just sort of snow balled from there...Just in case you're wondering the price of this quilt, though it has been spread out over several months, in the end will exceed the price of the Pottery Barn quilt, but there you go!)

Well, my top is pretty much finished.  I did decide that I would add a border to make it hang nicer on the bed (can you here the cash register ringing at the quilting store?), then I have to cut my backing $$$, and batting  $$$, choose a quilter  $$$, wait 2-4 weeks, add the binding  $$$, and BAM, finished project.  Memories made!

Forget the cost.  The best, and maybe worst part has been watching her help me.  Every time I would lay the quilt pices out on the floor to check on the pattern or size, she would instantly crawl across the floor with me and start talking about the costume she was still making.  I would say, "honey, Mommy is trying to keep your blanket nice and flat," she would say, "Mommy, I make costume," and I would remind myself that, yes the seams I just pressed were now wrinkled, but she was learning something valuable....what that is I'm not sure b/c it didn't involve letters or numbers, or anything else she would learn at pre-school, but I'm sure making a quilt with your mother has some kind of value in it.

 Sometimes, I pack our schedule full of things to do.  Most of the time they are things that I think that she will enjoy as much as I will, but when it is all said and done, I am exhuasted and she is a two year old, if you know what I mean. 

Last week we had one of those days, and I decided we were not going to do anything else for the rest of the week.  We just stayed home and made her quilt together.  Everyday the sky was blue, the backdoor was open, and we just were us, and it was perfect. 
I don't know why I try to make motherhood so complicated sometimes.  When I go back and read my ever failing blog writing, my favorite days are the ones where we basically do nothing and are home together.

Here's to my little girl and her quilt...I love every piece of both of them, but probably her more!:)
Grace and Peace

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Falling Off the Band Wagon

I will not let myself fall matter how busy life becomes.
I really do love this blog,  Things about our everyday, this, and that are documented here and I love going back and reading about life raising Libby.

Last week, I stared a huge project.  I foolishly decided that instead of buying the Little her own bedding for her big girl bed, I would make it.  Why I do these things I don't know, in the end I'm sure it would have been cheaper to buy it.  Thanks for the great suggestion Laura! :)
However, I must say that so far, it is going really well, and I just might like it better than anything I could have bought.  Plus, it is so fun to watch Libs across from me while I work, playing with scraps of fabric and thread.  She tells me that she is making a costume...I'll let you know how that turns out.

You know, I have had some really hard days recently.  All relatively, of course...but hard none the less.  Regardless of how frustrating and defeating some days can be, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but raising her.  I am grateful for this opportunity.
I am grateful for her.
I am grateful for her Dad, even when his work takes him away from us... again...He does it for us.
We're flying with out our pilot this week for  a few days.  I hope I can steer us right while he's away...

Here's to Libby's Dad, I like him. A lot.

Grace and Peace