December 10

 

It's almost over.

He's on his way home.

He'll be here, till after the Littlest comes and then off again I suppose.

  You would think I could handle him being gone, or at least be used to it by now.  But, I absolutely fall apart, even after one day.  Example, he left early Monday morning; by Monday night I thought I was in labor.  Example #2 the dog loses all control of his bodily functions when he is away and I tend to want to put him out on the corner with a sign around his kneck that says, "free to a good home, but watch out I eat everything."  My life was basically a mess before I met him and now when he's not in it, I almost revert back to that mess...lost keys, lost mind, the whole crazy town shebang.

So, let me tell you what  I'm really thinking...I'm thinking that by Christmas I'm going to be checked into the nut house.  More than any other word today I said "don't."  "Don't touch that, or that, or that," "Gus, don't go again...in the house!", "I don't want to talk right now, to you or anyone."

   I actually said out loud, "God, if you could just call me, I really need to talk, b/c I'm loosing it." Right at that moment my little girl looked up at me and said, "Mommy sad?  Daddy come home?"  then she stood up wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "but, Mommy I love you."  Then she took me by the hand and led me into the living room and said "c'mon Mom, let's watch Veg Tale's."

I was determined to not let her watch movies today, but this was at about 9am and I had already cleaned up after the dog and cleaned him (I won't expand on this except to tell you that the Little talked about his tummy ache all day) and changed a nearly explosive diaper, all before I ate breakfast.  So we watched Veggie Tales again...and that little moment right there friends, was my high point today.  Chubby, little arms wrapped around my neck being shown unconditional love.  Love, that after my actions today, was given undeservedly,  since I basically  did a swan dive off the cliff of insanity, by the time the sun went down. 

I just realized this,  after proof reading (yes, Mom I do actually proof read, despite my grammatical errors in every post), but I think that God did call.  I didn't hear the phone ring, but maybe he used that precious little girl to show me how he unconditionally loves me, even though today I know I told him, along with the rest of the people I hold most dear, that I did not want to talk.  I even think that in these moments of reflections he's showing me that he was with me in every step I took...no matter how I alone I felt.

Here's to reflection, it might be 30 degrees outside, but I just let myself feel God's warmth and love for the first time all day.

^"'You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Peace...finally

xxx