Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

Today my midwife said something to me along the lines of "our society is driven by fear"...she was referring to birthing babies I suppose.  I was telling her about our birth classes, who are taught by our doula.  She has been  focusing on letting go of our fears, which has been a truly cleansing experience for me.  Our doula, and one of our midwives are clearly believers and put a lot of stock in the fact that God designed woman to birth babies.  This fact alone is calming to me.

There is the fear of the actual birth.  The pain that I could easily avoid, but  choose to endure b/c something inside of me tells urges me to do this with as little intervention as possible.  The fear of the memory of lying in the tub, writhing in pain and rising out of the water with every contraction 2 years ago, only to be told that after hours and hours I was still stuck in transition.
Ugh...fear.  I don't know if I can do it again.
It is close. My sleepless nights, achy back, and desire to "nest" tell me so.  Oh, and there was that random man yesterday who told  me that I look "huge."  Nice.  My sweet friend stood up for me and with a little bit of sass in her voice said, "Um, she looks completely normal."  I just smiled at him and said "well, this is the end. I'm not supposed to be small"...then I walked away and said "he clearly has never sucessfully talked to a woman before."

There is a bigger fear though...the fear, that yes, whether they like it or not,  I am their mother... forever.  I am who they will look to for everything for these formative years, the one who'll they'll want to look away from for those "can I go to the mall by myself" years, and then one they'll  look back to when they grow up for everything from advice to just a random chat...but always their mother.  While others will  influence them and make an impact on their sweet lives, I am the only one that will hold the role of Liberty Rose and Maggie Bell Jones's Mother and I am nearly swept over by that reality.  If I let myself, the fear will sweep over me, I really will drown, most likely in my own tears of failure (which I have had in abundance lately) and I don't think that I can do it...
...But, and this dear ones is a good "but", I have some real truths that calm all of my fears, that will keep me from drowning in the pain of child birth or being bowled over by a life time a leading my girls in grace and truth.

Today I read this..."I prayed to the Lord and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears"
Psalm 34:4
Breathe.
I can not fail.
He already knows the out come.
Though I may lose a battle here and there, He has conquered every fear.
Breathe.
Let go of that fear.
Breathe.
Here's hoping for an intervention free birth and two little girls who twirl around my living room and into life gracefully, despite a epically flawed mother.
Grace and Peace...b/c life would be impossible with out them
Big Love.
 

PS...December is just weeks away now, and it's true, I'm thinking about bringing back the count down blog...Hopefully!