This Post Comes To You From A Not Proud Moment

When I was a young girl, old enough to have to sit in church, I can remember ignoring whatever the preacher was saying and peering out the long narrow windows and wondering about God and who He really is.  I would say in my head "God, if you are really real make wind blow so that I can see that tree move."  The trees would always gentle sway, if even just a tiny ripple in the leaves.  I never doubted His existence, but often I have failed to recogniz His perfect control over my circumstances.

When I flip through the pages of this blog I see beautiful pictures, of a seemingly beautiful life.  Truth be told a picture captures one moment in life, and neglects to tell you what happen before and after the picture was taken.  A picture neglects to tell you my Little rarely heads instructions.  She tries me to my very core and reminds me how very, very lacking I am in so many areas.

 A picture neglects to inform you that on the day I took these pictures, I vowed to myself that today was the day I was going do it better, today was the day I was going to be present, today was the day I was going keep it together.  Yet somehow, at the end of this day, and so many others I felt like I failed.

Raising children is the best job I have ever had, but I have to say that after the last few days I have said out loud "Am I really cut out for this."  It is the hardest thing I have ever done...I can not remember a time in my life when I have ever been pushed so close to the edge, and I don't even know what edge it is.  Anger?  Frustration? Insanity?  I'm not sure.

Today in particular I am on one of those edges.  The edge of doubt I guess.   Earlier, before we left home I had completely lost my cool with my Little...like really bad.  While I'm being honest, I completely lost my cool  with her yesterday too and the day before that.  My patience is frazzled and since I'm being honest so is my joy, love, peace, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, and my self control.  Ironically these are the very things I have been (trying)to teach her this month.

 I was driving home from running some errands. The prospect of going straight home and tackling lunch and nap time (a subject which would require its own post) was discouraging, so when Libby piped up from the back, "Hey mom, can we stop at a park" I just thought "yes, please, let's go to a park and you can run and run and wear yourself so tired that any energy you would use for disobeying me will be used up and you will go straight down with no questions asked."

I sat down on the stairs to the slide and cried.  The girls ran circles around me, they laughed and played unaware that the very person that they look to for everything was certain that she was failing them.  I started to ask God where He was in this.  Where was He in my everyday?  In my cleaning up breakfast, in my baby with a fever, in my tantrum throwing girl, in my teach them something good, volunteer for something good, love my husband, make the dinner, tame the laundry?  Where was He?  Then as if He knew I needed it, a gentle breeze moved my hair and made it stick to my face....I looked up and saw the trees swaying, only a little ripple, and I knew that He was telling me "I'm right here, where I've always been."

I'm going to be okay...I just had to get that off my chest.
Grace and Peace
xoxo